PPP begins.
The road gladdens the obsessed ghost.
eloquence is bliss
the thoughts and ramblings of a bibliophile
Kiss the day goodbye..
First and foremost, I am so sorry for my absence, dear readers. Not until I had emails coming in wondering if I was still alive (!) did I realize that there are truly people out there who count on a post from me here and there–to those of you, my sincerest thank you-s and apologies are here given where due. I promise more consistency…
Now. Life. How complicated and how simple mine has become and been since I last updated. I suppose the most noticeable change is in my living arrangements–since school starts up in two weeks, I suppose I am two weeks away from my first summer ever lived completely independent of my parents and my former “reality” back home in Ctown. I now reside in a house that I pay 1/3 of the rent for each month, and I’m the luckiest girl in the world to be able to say that I live with my boyfriend and my best friend–but more on them in a bit. My circle of friends is a complete 180 from where it was six months ago, but I have a little dysfunctional family that I can truly call my own and that I truly am a part of now. We all gravitated towards each other for such seemingly asinine and random reasons, but we seem to complete each other and appreciate those bonds on a level that I have never personally experienced before and that nobody from the outside looking in could ever truly understand. Sometimes we’re broke, sometimes we’re partying like Fiddy, but there has not been a night this summer that I have not been graced by the company of someone who truly wants mine in return. It’s almost idyllic, and I’m starting to like my utopia.
Don’t get me wrong though, for every perfect thing in my life right now there are at least three stressors to cancel it out. The only reason I have come to appreciate (nonetheless rely on) the friendships and the family I have acquired over the summer is the fact that I have had to cut ties with people that I used to be close to in order to move ahead with my own life. I have an ex-best-friend that still spreads poison about me, a brother who I haven’t seen in an unforgivable amount of time, and parents whom I have realized do not know me. At all. Why I’m ok with this all now?
Because I have made it this far. And I have made it this far and I am not alone.
My family is here. My heart is here. And it’s a good place.
M.
A quick summation.
So the last month and a half has been too chaotic for me to even blog about, so as short as I can here..
- employed (bag lady selling purses at local mall)
- dating the greatest man alive
- moved (!!!) into FGManor
- happy (!)
- detached from family
- not in school
..and caught up.
M
I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad–the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.
Today I looked around and I had an epiphany–I keep waiting for everyone else in my life to change in order to keep up with all the changes I’ve made to myself and to my own life recently. I’ve done a complete flip around in my personal life from appearance to attitude and back again and I keep becoming (slowly, mind you) more and more conscious of the ways in which I’ve changed and how they affect not oinly my life, but the way that the people around me have changed in relation to me. I’m here now, 11:11 pm on a Wednesday night alone in my (new? hmm) dwelling place with David Bowie and Row keeping me company. Too much time to think has me left pondering, do the people in my life ever actually change, or are they the constant variable to my independant? O, Universe, how you torment me so. I never had myself pegged for the quarter-life-crisis type.
The past few weeks have been absolutely insane, but I’m learning to find solace in the insanity. The Buddhists have a belief that without bad in your life you cannot see the good, and I am truly starting to see the truth in that statement happening in my own existance and it freaks me out sometimes. Take for example the fact that this is the first (and I mean FIRST, only, sole [and thus terrifying]) time I have ever in my life flat out disobeyed like I dad, and yes, there have been more shitty things related to it flying around than I would like, but I got what I needed–I got away. I feel somewhat like the proverbial phoenix in relation–I burned myself to the ground and came back stronger. Kind of neat. Same goes with friends–for the majority of my life I considered myself to be alone. I am seeing now that I am surrounded by a badass family, people who love me for me because I am me and wouldn’t have me any other way. There are for the first time in my life people aside from my immediate nuclear family that I would take a bullet for unquestioningly.
…when the hell did all of this happen?
Was all this fucking around necessary in order to shift my paradigm?
anyways. my kung fu panda bear is back so I’mma go cuddle with him now.
xo m
56.
Anthony works in the grocery store
Savin’ his pennies for someday
Mama Leone left a note on the door,
She said,
“Sonny, move out to the country.”
Workin’ too hard can give you
A heart attack
You oughta know by now
Who needs a house out in Hackensack?
Is that what you get with your money?It seems such a waste of time
If that’s what it’s all about
Mama if that’s movin’ up then I’m movin’ out.Sergeant O’Leary is walkin’ the beat
At night he becomes a bartender
He works at Mister Cacciatore’s down
On Sullivan Street
Across from the medical center
He’s tradin’ in his Chevy for a Cadillac
You oughta know by now
And if he can’t drive
With a broken back
At least he can polish the fendersIt seems such a waste of time
If that’s what it’s all about
If that’s movin’ up then I’m movin’ out.You should never argue with a crazy mind
You oughta know by now
You can pay Uncle Sam with the overtime
Is that all you get for your money?It seems such a waste of time
If that’s what it’s all about
Good luck movin’ up cause I’m movin’ out.
“Movin’ Out (Anthony’s Song)” – Billy Joel
It seems such a waste of time if that’s what it’s all about; Mama, if that’s movin’ up then I’m movin’ out.
Funny how the everyday (well, hopefully not everyday for everyone…) Waterloos we face are both terrible and liberating. I am officially deeming this family thing a lost cause for the time being. They surprised me today with their presence and literally stressed me to my breaking point. I have never been shaking, sweating and sick like that in my life–which is exactly why I told them that I’ll be doing it onmy own from here.
On the flip side of the dark cloud (or whatever feasible assimilation of a popular saying is pertinent here), I am learning through living that while blood is thicker than water, love is thicker than blood–and while I know that I have blood family who still do love me, my LA fam is quick becoming more and more a part of my life. It’s really kind of mindblowing when you realize that there are people who will take a bullet for you out there–and when you find each other, weather and humidity permitting, you form a truly (however trite) unspeakable bond. It’s a beautiful feeling, not being alone.
So yes, life might be a little leaner.
Is happiness and independance more important to me?
YES.
While I am not 100%, I am feeling pretty damned liberated.
Good karma to all this week.
-M
Reservoir Dogs
First: “‘Like a Virgin’ is all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The whole song is a metaphor for big dicks.”
Last: “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.
First: “I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm.”
Last: “Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye.”
55.
The moon was shining on the lake at night
The Slayer t-shirt fit the scene just right
Through smeared mascara, I looked into your eyes, I saw a light
You told me stories about your chickadees
They didn’t like BB guns or stupid archery
John the lifeguard, he let them use the pool all day for freeThen the conversation stopped, and I looked down at my feet
I was next to you and you were right there next to me
Then I said Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all nightThe rest of the summer was the best we ever had
We watched Titanic, and it didn’t make us sad
I took you to Best Buy, you took me home to meet your Mom and Dad
Your Mom cooked meatloaf even though I don’t eat meat
I dug you so much, I took some for the team
Your dad was silent, his eyes were fixed on what was on TVThen the conversation stopped, and I looked down at the ring
Your folks were next to you, and you were right there next to me
Then I said Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (I swear it’s true) without you, my heart is blue
Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all nightSo much pain may come our way
There may come a day when we have nothing left to say
When the conversation stops, and we’re facing our defeat
I’ll be next to you and you’ll be right there next to meThen I’ll say girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (I swear it’s true) without you, my heart is blue
Girl!
If you’re wondering if I want you (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night
“(If you’re wondering if I want you to) I…” – Weezer
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the thoughts and ramblings of a twenty-something-year-old bibliophile.
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